I have often been asked by my friends whether one should keep emphasizing to their partners that he/she has been making small changes and improvements in their life as a result of learning relationship mastery, and whether this would speed up the process of them retrieving their lovers. In fact, some people have been trying so hard to make or even force their partners see the changes in themselves that more often than not, it only push their mates further and further away.

Here are some tips and a simple persuasion technique which you should consider:

1) People need to feel a sense of power. When you are attempting to save your relationship or marriage, make it clear to your partner that they have the ultimate power to decide and that you won't attempt to take that away from them. Forcing a person to make a choice or even to do things undesirable from his point of view will generate resistance.

Here is one simple persuasion technique as taught by Kevin Hogan and which I have been using for a long time without failure: "When someone asks you to do something and you perceive that person to have your best interests in mind, and you would like him to have your best interests in mind, you are strongly motivated to fulfill the request."

I often keep this in mind whenever I want my mate to do things my way. I will try to reflect whether the other person will perceive me to have his/her best interests in mind. More often than not, after using this, my mate would galdly comply my wishes.

2) Have you watched the movie "Fearless"? If not, catch the movie some day. It teaches a very important principle, your greatest enemy is not your mate, not the people around you, but yourself! In anything you do or any conversation you have had with your loved one, constantly reflect and ask yourself: Am I letting my ego take over? Why do I keep wanting to ask him (her) whether he (she) saw the changes I have been trying so hard to make in my life?"

Your mate may tell you that if he or she feels ready for a relationship it will, most likely, not be with you. Always remember that, when an individual announces a position on any issue or point of view, he or she will strongly tend to defend that belief regardless of its accuracy. You would face some resistance from your partner as what you have in mind would not be perceived in the same manner by the other person given his present state of mind or beliefs.

So, do you have to try so hard to show him/her that you have indeed make any changes in your life or on yourself?

Your purpose is not to care too much about showing your mate that you are different, or that you have done things differently now. In fact, you should keep improving yourself, developing yourself spiritually through self cultivation, re-building your confidence and keep enriching your life, for your own sake. You do not need anyone's approval to do this. In this way, your own light will naturally shine through.

3) One of my readers recently wrote me: "If I lose myself and my identity in the process of being with someone, then I have no marriage, no self." This is insightful.

If you are trying to save your relationship or even rebuilding your marriage, you do the best you can be and continue to improve yourself by learning relationship mastery from the resources we are providing you here. Whatever you do or say in your daily life, your approach should not be such that "hey, I want you to return to my side. Come and want me!"

Let me let you into one harsh reality in relationships and marriages, the more desparate you are in wanting to save your relationship, the more frustrated you get in your attempt to save your marriage, the harder you try, the quicker you want to push it to happen, the more you are going to push the one you are trying to retrieve further and further away.

In short, make your desire to retrieve your lover, looks less like wanting to retrieve your lover.